How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
