I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
