I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
