I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
