my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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