His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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