So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
