I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
