he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It was confusing and full of hummus
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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