My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
