My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
