Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
