anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
