no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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