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Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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