i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
