i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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