Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
