I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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