you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
