Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
