Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
