My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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