Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
