Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I stole a fireplace last night.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
