but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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