just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
