Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Princesses don't give blow jobs
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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