you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
