At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
no, he came in my armpit
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
