I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How naked do you want me to be?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
