I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
