my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
