i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
