Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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