another moral hangover. fuck.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
