those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
