I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
