Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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