Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
