Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
