I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
