She's JV to your varsity
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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