If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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