Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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