Sry I called you an 8
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
