That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
