I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
