I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
