According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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