while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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