Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
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