my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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