Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
