Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
