I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
