Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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